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[17 Dec 2006|11:57am] You've probably reached this message in error. See the xanga link above. ( drop a heart )

the clever cover story awards go to you [02 Dec 2006|10:02pm] My nerves are starting to wear on me about transferring. How well will I adjust; can I handle harder classes, a new environment, and a part time job? These are all necessities; I don't have the option to take out massive loans, because I will be inable to pay most of them back. (Whoo for Journalists getting paid squat.) I had a good thing going here, sure, but I have to leave for any chance at my future. It will be an adjustment, and I'll be largely on my own for most it (Except for Brian and friends I meet through whoever I live with.) A firm stance in independence, but also my hardest test to date. But I guess the truest tests in life are those situations you are thrown into, and literally have to fend for yourself and what you want. The key to surviving is knowing what you want and knowing your values. I have no doubt I can forge through it, I've forged through a lot in my life, but that doesn't make the fear any less. It doesn't make me any less nervous. Voltaire wrote in Candide that human beings were meant to suffer or be bored. I don't know if I agree with that whole-heartedly, but there's definately some truth to the statement. I could've stayed at WCU and been bored, or I can take the chance of suffering through the adjustments of a new life. Being who I am and knowing what I want, I chose the later. And I learned some interesting things today and last night. I guess its safe to say that some people aren't always who they seem. And others allow their opinions to be effected by outside sources. I'm feeling nostalgic tonight; I guess Taking Back Sunday is what exemplifies nostalgia for me. And that makes me sad inside. ( drop a heart )

im getting better at fighting the future [29 Nov 2006|09:50am] Another question from my lit professor: How do you feel about the future? Are you hopeful, cynical, or indifferent? This timeframe we call "the future" is a hard idea to comment on; afterall, it doesn't truly exist yet, does it? Tomorrow is something we create, expecting it to fabricate into reality 24 hours later. But nevertheless, we have to plan for it, because if we don't expect its arrival, we miss its arrival. How do I feel about the future? Well, its the same story we've heard numerous times (and I think I've written about it 40 times now), but I like writing about myself so here it is: When I was in middle school, I wrote short stories that involved my friends, classmates and I in twenty years. They were stupid and childish, but I remember being so hopeful then. I always ended up with the boy I had a crush on, and my friends did too. (Either that or they turned into animals, because for some reason I thought I had a sense of humor.) There was never any problems outside our core group, in fact, there was nothing else. We would unite together, still commenting on our teachers pass, although we were 20 years out of high school. But, as I grew up, I stopped writing these stories. I couldn't picture myself graduating, let alone going to college or being older than 16. I never imagined "getting the guy" or being successful. This is to say, in high school, I lacked confidence. Sure, I achieved things during this period in my life that some people don't even dream of achieving, yet somehow, I didn't once think I was good enough. I drew away from my friends and into a world of makebelieve and depression. All around me I saw sorrow, and hurt. I did not long to be a part of this world of adults. The future, as Motion City Soundtrack says, freaked me out. When it came time to graduate, I didn't know where I was going to college; all I knew was I had to go to college and I didn't want to go to a college where there would be a significant number of my classmates. I applied to NYU and Pace, but was freaked out by the price and turned down both of these offers. New York City scared me to be honest; I don't know if I ever really wanted to be onstage. By March, I realized I needed to find an alternative and my counselor suggested I attend at state college for a year and decide from there. Thus, I applied to West Chester University and, here I am today. However, even after arriving at WCU, I couldn't see much past the present. Much like college, I didn't know where I was going in life. My angst and lack of confidence hindered me, and as I switch from major to major, friend to friend, I realized something was wrong. I was wandering off a path I had yet to find. The lights were symbolically "out," and my eyes adjusted only enough to see the obstacles. But as I made mistakes, I also learned to forge ahead. I learned that I was capable of living on my own and supporting myself. I made my friends all on my own and for once I felt accepted. (Its horrible to think that I was probably accepted before, but was incapable of noticing it.) I had friends who wanted to hang out with me, who thought my opinions and talents did matter. I finally had a cheering section. When I look to the future now, I don't see the same hope that middle schooler did, but I have to say I have a new form of hope. Yes, I still see the pain and suffering. I see the war with unjust causes, and I see the poverty-stricken people of America being ignored by their own government. I see the "boy of my dreams," and when he turns me down, I know there will be another "boy of my dreams" to follow. I see my friends make mistakes as I do, but know that we are all taking our own path, and each decision we make changes our sense of reality. I see possibility to change what I don't like about my life and work towards that change. And I hope that, even if just a little bit, I can help change what is wrong in the world. I think the future has to be about hope, because otherwise its about fear. And if you fear tomorrow, what is getting you through today? And I may not hope to be a teacher married to the cutest Asian boy in the class anymore, but my story is not finished. My dreams have changed, but the concept of future still exists, although its existence has yet come to be. And who knows, maybe my friends will turn into animals. In my eyes, almost anything is possible. ( drop a heart )

isn't it ironic, don't you think? [20 Nov 2006|01:20am] My Conclusion: The "Real" World sucks. A lot. I've been seeking help, and getting advice about my lease situation. And what I've got is I have the following options: 1) Find a Sublet. 2) Commute to Temple in the spring. 3) Take another semester at West Chester and move to Philly over the summer. 4) Take a semester off 5) Pay two rents. 6) Break Lease via Renter's Advocacy/Lawyer and suffer from the "black dot" and the inability to rent. Don't get me wrong, I still have my fingers crossed that this will all work out in the end. But I don't know. If you know anyone who needs a place to stay, I got a place. (Shameless Plug) This whole living on your own thing without any help is frustrating. Thank God I have people to listen to me. Ya'all know who you are. Yeah. So, lessons I've learned in the past month: 1) Don't sign anything you are unsure of. Even if you have no where else to stay, don't sign it. 2) Nostalgia won't let you down. 3) It is far easier to find housing then to get rid of it. 4) God doesn't want me to leave West Chester. 5) When going on random drives all roads lead to Philadelphia. Even the ones that are supposed to lead to Delaware. 6) That was bitching dumb, and I'm hella wicked pissed. 7) People are not understanding unless they have to be. 8) Procrastination gets you nowhere. 9) Bills SUCK. 10) Holidays = Home. This is no good. 11) You'll never understand the entirety of the opposite sex, so stop trying. Find members you do understand and go from there. 12) Giving up is for losers. Be stubborn when the time calls for it. 13) Joe says it best: Momentum is key. Two steps backwards requires four giant leaps forward to catch up. I dunno. More tomorrow. well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you when you think everything's okay and everything's going right and life has a funny way of helping you out when you think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up in your face ...No cuts on Alanis. ( drop a heart )

on any given day you'll find me gone [01 Nov 2006|04:36pm] I have so much random free time this week. I even have off Friday, for some odd reason. I'm debating going into Philly and looking for apartments or staying in and enjoy doing nothing. But I think I'll go to Philadelphia. I've also decided that I could stay in West Chester and be okay with it if it came down to that. I love forensics that much. And it's comfortable. The only thing is I really am bored here, and I think eventually that would get to me again. I'm not challenged enough; that's why I keep myself so busy usually, why I am so "into" forensics. I'm ready for something more exciting. I've ruled out Wisconsin because I don't have 4 to 6 weeks left to wait to hear back from them, which is what the last letter I recieved from them stated as a time frame. So, this is it. As soon as I set things straight with my lease here, I'm sending my deposit into Temple....Don't even try and change my mind at this point. Unless you're UW with a quick decision. Haha. I feel like so many weights have been lifted off my shoulders the past few days. There weren't real weights, just burdens I placed on myself, such as procrastinating my decision on transferring, and letting random things take my eyes of my goal. But I'm back on target and I'm me again. I think often times that's what my problem is; letting little things get in the way of what I need to do, and then feeling overwhelemed. Very rarely is it anything serious. So yeah. I've also decided to start writing either a show or novel in my free time (if I have any). I need to make use of my swelling imagination. Take Care. ( 1 broken names |drop a heart )

[31 Oct 2006|09:48am] Everyone has bad days, its how you deal with the days following that show your true character. To explain: Everything that could've went wrong yesterday, did. I made less than 30 dollars on a closing shift, and got a bill that I forgot I had, just to name two of the many. So, I just kind of sat up last night and evaluated my life. Today's a fresh start. January will be an even fresher one. Nothing that happened yesterday is impossible to deal with or fix. I think the sadness I've felt for the past few weeks just finally took over yesterday. I'm still sad, but I typically am this time of year. But I'm stronger than I have been, so all I need to do is work through it. I can't let a few setbacks let me lose sight of what I want from life. I'll take a hint from summer and "Mush It." I have amazing friends. Old and new, I appreciate everyone who was there for me yesterday. Some of you said the right things, some of you just talked to me. I've missed those connections we used to share. Its a shame when life makes you too busy sometimes to enjoy that. So, I guess the point of this entry is reaffirm my goals and dreams. They are what we're living for. I don't know if I necessarily want to be a journalist, but I know I want to write. Obviously, its what I'll keep running back to when things go wrong. It feels good to have a hobby that is all my own, have dreams that are mine and no one elses. I'll probably be writing a lot again in the coming weeks. It keeps me more on target. This is after all, the bridge to a new beginning. There will be obstacles, but what is life without a few speedbumps? ( drop a heart )

[31 Oct 2006|01:33am] Here's the once a year disclaimer: I write things in my xanga because it makes me feel better. Things are more emotional and emphasized for effect. I'm not crazy, just in love with words. I think I'll always be in love with the idea of love and relationships. Just the idea. I wrote this last night when I couldn't sleep. I know I swore not to post anything in my journals, but I like this. Why do you get up in the morning? What, if anything, is the light of your day? Is it your job? Your best friend? Your lover? A hobby? Your family? When life is absolutely horrible, what is the first thing you run to that cheers you up? And what happens, if your happiness is invested in one thing? What happens when it leaves? Or when they die? What happens if it is taken from you? What happens if you willingly give that up? Hopefully, you didn't put "all your eggs in one basket" (or all your songs on an unreliable mp3 player). But, what happens when we do? How dangerous is it to give yourself compleately to a cause, an activity, or a person? Take a step back. I've always run to writing when I have that sinking feeling that something's wrong. But every now and then, I'll run to you. "You" being a brother, a sister, a best friend, a boyfriend, a roommate, or whoever I need to call on at the time. I rely too much on other people for my happiness. And when you leave, I realize just how little I have. I am nothing without other people. Take a step back. I have my writing. My hobbies. My jobs. Schooling. My dreams. But dreaming only soothes so much. Oh, and I love my friends. Especially Kelly. ;p ( drop a heart )

[30 Oct 2006|12:12pm] I wrote a long, through entry about what's bothering me in my xanga. If you want to read up on it, go there. Comments appreciated both here and there. ( drop a heart )

gotta keep moving on [29 Oct 2006|10:47pm] So, its really been awhile. (For me, especially) So, what's new with me? Well, for one I really am over working this semester. (Both literally over-working myself and compleately fed up with working.) There are a lot of reasons behind this, but I will save them for personal conversations. Secondly, I have yet to decide where I'm going for school next semester, so I'm leaning towards Temple. There are so many things that just keep going wrong with Wisconsin, that I'm pretty much too impatiant to fix again. Plus, being it so that I, for the first time, do enjoy my life, I don't want to throw it all away and move 15 hours away. Maybe in the future I will regret this decision, but I doubt it. Furthermore, the only real reason I'd go to Wisconsin at this point would be to continue as a forensicator. Buuut. As much as I love forensics (which is a lot) I don't think I can make the decision for my future based on an extracurricular activity. Its time for me to move on. I'm already so restless. Don't judge me, but I watched True Life: I'm a Staten Island Girl today in Shaundi's room. It was really interesting to parellel my life (yeah get over it) with one of the girls on the show. It was basically, I need to move out of the suburbs to do what I want to do. As much as I love where I'm at, and am afraid to leave, it is time to go. So. I think that settles it. All I really need to do right now is figure out my rooming situation here and, well, it looks like Philadelphia, unless Wisconsin can give me an answer in the next week or so. I can't keep putting off planning for my future because the US Postal Service is unreliable. But over all, I had a really amazing weekend. Dating someone not like me, (and very much emotionally stable) is refreshing. What I was unsure of at first, is turning into something that makes me happy. Last weekend we had our first travelling tournament, where we won, and almost every individual walked away with an award. It was a great first experience; I can't believe how long it had been since I competed. Again, I can't explain to you how hard that is going to be to give up. But, life moves on. And so must I. I can feel the wheel of fortune turning already, however, as we approach November. I've been very lucky in the past few months, and we all know it's got to end sometimes. November is my polar month, too. So anyone that believes even the tiniest bit in Astrology understands that this is going to be rough. But still, I'm not afraid. Afraid of the change, a little bit. But, its as Kelly Clarkson says, out of the darkness and into the sun but i won't forget all the ones that I love i'll take a risk take a chance make a change and breakaway Love you guys. -AK ( drop a heart )

[14 Oct 2006|05:28pm] I have this tendency to over-react, and then get angry with myself. Right now, I'm really angry with myself for acting like an idiot. So, I just need to calm down. I need to write and realize how much of an idiot I'm being. Because, let's face it, sometimes I can be retarded. I get frustrated when I feel like people are stepping on me. There was a time when I let people walk all over me and didn't say anything. But now, when I say something and realize how stupid it is to get angry, well, I just get more angry with myself. I feel as though sometimes I need to exert my independence on other people; I feel as though I need to appear strong to be strong. I don't think this is the case. There is just as much strength in me when I keep my opinions to myself. Not everyone needs to know what is wrong with me. Not everyone needs to know how unprofessional I am. I guess that's what I feel right now, unprofessional. Dumb. I'm so confused with everything. I want to leave here so badly; I want to make sure my future is secure, but being here at this tournament. Being here makes me realize how hard it will be to leave, how hard it will be for me to give up competing. I don't know if I can do that and justify it. I mean, rationally, I can justify it. There is no forensics outside of college. I can use the skills I learn, but doing forensics is not a trade. Getting a degree in journalism, does however, enhance my trade skills. It enhances my capability of getting a job after graduation. It secures me a clear future. So, the pros of transferring outweigh the cons, I think. Unless I'm self-destructive; maybe I just want to leave because I'm too afraid of achieving anything here. If I transfer, I can postpone growing up a little bit; I can postpone winning events. I can, in essence, make myself start over so I have to rediscover myself again. Because, let's be honest here, I live my life on the premise of self-discovery. I thrive on overanalyzing my actions, and those of others. I'm a worrier. Then again, the opposite is also true. If I stay here, am I not purposely hindering myself from a realistic future? I am condemning myself to start somewhere a lot smaller than I would be if I graduated elsewhere. Maybe I'm making all these excuses so I don't achieve, so I can't become successful. Oh, Amiekay's having an existentialist crisis. What else is new? I need some good, unbiased advice. I just don't know where to get it. I was always bad at making decisions. ( drop a heart )

i guess dreams do come true [07 Oct 2006|03:48am] [ music | yellowcard - back home ] Sometimes, I forget how lucky I am. I have a lot of really good things going on in my life right now. And I need to not overthink them, or always want what my life isn't at this moment. another sunny day in californ-i-a i'm sure back home they'd love to see it but they don't know that what you love is ripped away before you get a chance to feel it So, I've just decided to be happy and love what I have. Fuck being emo and sad. If I can't enjoy right now, then I'm kind of a selfish idiot. And besides, with all of the things that happened this week and tonight, I know I've been making the right decisions, even if they don't seem like it right away. I just wish I wasn't so self-involved sometimes. I wish I was a better friend. back home i always thought i wanted so much more now im not so sure 'cause sometimes i miss knowing someone's there for me and feeling free I think I'm pretty messed up right now. But I just want everyone to know that I'm happy, and the fact that a lot of my friends aren't scares me. I'm not used to this. I can't think of one close friend right now who is content. And I don't know what to say to any of them to make it better. Even Erin's not as happy as she usually is, which just shakes the ground I stand on...France was supposed to be a great experience. It almost makes me not want to leave. another sunny day beneath this cloudless sky sometimes i wish that it would rain here and wash away the west coast dreaming from my eyes there's nothing real for them to see here Maybe I adjust too well. I can't think of a time in West Chester where I wasn't constantly meeting new people. I have so many new friends this year already. So. I'm still lucky...who would of thought, after all of my fear of everyone else leaving. Yeah I used lyrics. And they were Yellowcard. Wanna make something of it? ( drop a heart )

[05 Oct 2006|02:37am] I got my first acceptance letter today. And Lost premiered. And lots of stuff. Today was awesome. So, very very awesome. ( 2 broken names |drop a heart )

and time, time it stops for no one. [02 Oct 2006|07:43pm] i miss a lot of things right now. i miss the lack of responsibility that was freshman year. i miss having all of my friends live in the same building. or at least across the parking lot. or a bus ride away. i miss drinking on monday nights. i miss walking into town. i miss town being exciting. i miss falling head over heels for someone. i miss being open to every possibility. i miss being a novice. i miss being an idealist. i miss having an unalterable belief in love and soul mates. i miss performing in a play. i miss the prowler office. i miss four hour naps after class. i miss having an antidrug. i miss exercising. i miss random trips with brian and ross. i miss the three musketeers. i miss pictionary parties. i miss laughing at rita's. i miss the fourth floor tyson whores. i miss movie nights. i miss cooking in tyson kitchen. i miss smash brothers. i miss having time to be a little vain. i miss being addicted to song lyrics. i miss being a red head. i miss short hair. i miss the swings. i miss the uk of roger rabbit, scabia, and briantium. i miss long nights in the forensics office. i miss role-playing. i miss mrskketchum. i miss writing fiction. i miss fun dip runs. i miss freshmeat. i miss being completely innocent. i miss triebel and durkin's. i miss UT. i miss Hello, New York. i miss high school musicals. i miss singing lessons. i miss believing i had the world at my feet. and that if i wanted to, i could change it. ...Growing up is something that I kinda thought would be, I don't know. A little less instant. But ever since I've moved to West Chester and had to support myself; buy food, work, pay rent...I just have so much responsibility that I don't have time to worry about drama, or to overanalyze people's actions. I don't have time to create a fantasy world to live in. I don't have time to be young anymore. Young at heart, maybe. But in the back of my mind, there's always a list of twenty things I have to do. I don't have a choice to not do them. I don't have a choice to blow of my class constantly, or to not show up at work. If I don't show up, I don't get a good grade, or I don't have money to support myself. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy my independence. And its not like I didn't enjoy my time the past few years, I did. I just never realized how much energy I wasted worrying about my appearance of if this guy or that guy will ever date me. Or even, how much time I wasted searching for the exact song lyric. Its crazy. The stupid crap I spent my time thinking about or wasted my energy being upset about, don't even matter anymore. They never mattered; I just thought they did. And the things that do matter, were the things I didn't really allow myself to experience. Perhaps it was because I didn't know me, but mostly, its because I spent so much time worrying about appearances and young teenage things. I love who I have become. I love being strong, and outspoken. I love being the one to make the first move (I guess I've always loved that in a way...) I love being confident and knowing what I want. But I think we all miss the past at some point; its part of human nature. There are parts of the past I miss, but there are parts that I am glad to have put behind me... I dunno. I had free time, so I felt like writing something. This is just what came out. ( drop a heart )

i'm a bit more furture-oriented, and a little less present-tense [26 Sep 2006|10:08am] Well, the truth of the matter is I should be a) Studying, b) Reading or C)Working on some other form of homework. Heck, I should be looking into how to fix a spacebar before I should be writing this. But I'm writing this anyway. Why, you ask? Because I'm really frustrated and tired these days. For example, I completely slept through my alarms this morning (I even set two so this doesn't happen....and well. It happened.) Partially because I was at work until 1am last night (making like no money) because Dayna really messed up on the drawer. It wasn't her fault, and I really wasn't that mad. But THEN I came home...and my spacebar flat out stops working. It seems the little rubber button underneath the key decided to disconnect itself from the board. So I either a)have to buy a USB keyboard, b) replace the keyboard on my Dell or c) just charge a new laptop (which I want anyway) until I get my loan. I'm thinking I might do a combination of a and c; buy a USB keyboard until I get the chance to purchase a Macbook. Its just frustrating; it seems as though I can never quite get ahead. Every time I do, there's someone else I owe or want to pay back, or another bill. It just sucks. I work all the time as it is, and I can't save any of it. I owe a good chunk of money to Phil for the apartment yet that I keep forgetting about. He said I don't have to pay it all back at once, but its still frustrating. And, I have all these things I need to do, and all these things I have no time to devote to because I work all the time. I want to be able to hold a relationship and I want to be able to transfer, but there's not enough TIME in a day. I spent the few hours I have on Mondays/Wednesdays between classes to get my "business" stuff settled, I.E. transcripts sent out, bills paid, etc. But I still can't get it all done. I'm having a hard time just getting friend time in. And its one of those days at the library, of course. Where every five minutes someone needs something. On top of that, I'm realizing just how much all my friends are changing; especially those friends who are no longer here. I'm realizing how much I am changing. This isn't necessarily bad, just...different. College is supposed to be the time of your life. I'm supposed to be having fun...I can't help my feel as though I'm missing out on so much. Its not just academics now, now I'm missing out on my friends. There are concerts I want to see (the Decemberists, Jenny Lewis and the Watson Twins, and Straylight Run are ALL coming to Philly in the next three months) so perhaps I'll just take off work and go to one or so of those. Afterall, for all the work I do, I deserve some sort of mini-vacation, right? I just don't want to feel this way anymore. I feel so tired, that many days I don't really experience. I think the best example was the day of the Snow Patrol concert; I was there, but by the time I actually got to the concert, my body was literally shutting down. I couldn't enjoy the concert, because I was concentrating on staying awake. I couldn't even get through the ride home. I've had several days like that, perhaps not to that extent, but close enough. But other than that, life's not too bad. It's pretty interesting. Its not that I'm not having fun, I am. I just always have some other commitment to run to. Or some more homework. I have a lot of stuff going on... ( 1 broken names |drop a heart )

[19 Sep 2006|09:26am] So its funny when the things you learn in communication class heavily apply to your life. The past week or so has been very eye-opening to me. I believe it was largely because I had actual downtime and was able to truly spend time with my friends. Plus, with both Erin and Brian in town at the same time, it made me realize just how much had changed in the past few months; in the past month even. Erin had warned me to "fear the fall" last spring, but I've come to enjoy what ever it is I have here now. Its nothing like the semesters past; there is no core group of friends I hang out with on a day-to-day basis. Most of my confidantes are far away from here, but perhaps that is what I need for now. As I've said earlier, I do feel more confident. I feel a lot more grown into myself these days. Granted, some of my actions and words of others prior to this week have been out of character, and I apologize to those hurt. Its taken a bit longer for me to adjust to life than usual; perhaps because I had no security blanket, perhaps because I have more commitments this year than in the past. But for whatever reason, I've realized my behavior and I coming back around to myself. Only to have to adjust again in the spring, but really, I usually take well to new environments. And I hope to have, by then, become more stable with my personality. Anyway, I applied interpersonal communication principles to an argument I had yesterday with a friend. Halfway through the argument, I realize the cycle and altered it. My friend seemed to feel better than, and I could rest better myself. However, my trust in other friendships did wane briefly, and for that I apologize. These are friendships I had no reason to doubt, but I let my fear get the best of me. Other than the few friendship fights, things are decent here. I work a lot, but considering all the money I owe people here and there, I have to. I have bills to pay too, and I barely have rent for this month, with no extra money because I've been paying people back so much. This weekend alone I easily spent $100 between paying people back and enjoying my little bit of free time. Now I'm kind of in a hole, especially because I still owe another $20 to Shaundi and Applebee's is ridiculously slow. So I don't know. I have a lot of things to be excited about these days, however. Being on the brink of transferring, new friends, a new forensics season and well, a new guy too. Plus, I'm trying hard for a 4.0 this semester so if I ever feel bored, I have something to work towards. Oh yeah, and I took it into my hands to re-institute Diner Night. I figured since Brian and Ross aren't here to keep the tradition alive, I'm next in command to do so, even if I don't have a car.. We moved it to Tuesdays and if anyone wants to go, just let me know. Hope life is going well elsewhere. AK ( drop a heart )

[16 Sep 2006|06:23am] Maybe composing drunk is a bad idea, but I am very disappointed in myself. I hope what I write tonight, in my full blooded, drunk, honesty, will help me figure out what the hell is wrong with me lately. I passed out waaay early today. Because I'm lame. Or rather, because I drank too much too fast. I don't fully remember how I got to my room or why im awake. I just know that I've been sad all week and I'm probably still sad, well I know I'm still sad. I think I've come to this revelation that this is either a cross road or another day to settle. I either stay here, and fuck around for another 2 years and graduate from WCU orrr I transfer and start over. Run away from everything. Neither option leaves me with a good feeling on the inside. Because I can't stay here, but I have no where to go. And its weird. I wanna leave, but I'm very paralyzed by my fear. And I reallly hope I didn't say anything stupid tonight, but honestly, I remember everything until I presumaly passed out, which was hours ago. Other stuff in my life has finally ended, things that I used to cling on for hope and now that I don't have that, its odd. And frustrarting. Sometimes I want it back, and I try to make it come...but I can't. I surrendered long ago. And there's nothing that entices me enough to replace that. So I don't know. I'm drunk and upset and tired. I just wanted someone to help me figure out why I'm so sad. ( drop a heart )

[10 Sep 2006|12:49am] So, on the way home tonight I had some very morbid thoughts. I think I'm cranky and emotional because I am worn out. I never sleep anymore and am constantly doing something. I never just sit and relax... But anyway, the thoughts I was having regarded my own funeral. And I started picturing people who would be there and how sad they would be. I also pictured people I hoped would come. And everytime I thought I remembered everyone, there was someone else who I had forgotten and probably would be there, or I hoped would come. And then I thought about me attending someone else's and how that would drastically change my life. I thought about Nikki, too. It was scary to be thinking that way. It was random and basically came out of nowhere. Although, I think it has to do with me feeling like I'm dying, in an emotional sense. And in more ways then one, my childhood and reckless teenage years have in fact died. There are periods of my life and things and relationships that I cherish that are already changing. And I, I'm changing too. I need to cut back on work or something, because I will slowly kill myself if I keep living this way. I miss being a student. I miss having down time. I miss my friends who aren't here. But its good that they aren't here; I have nothing stopping me from leaving. You only have one life. I need to take charge of mine before its too late. I think I've told everyone everything they've needed to know. Although, I guess some people don't know how much appreciate them. Granted, some do, because I make it a point to let my closest friends know. But there are some people who probably have no idea. Love you all, and don't worry about me. I just need to catch some major z's. Thank God for Sundays, and thank God for understanding that I would go to church if my body wouldn't kill me for doing so. I apologize if this is largely incoherent and misspelled. I'm too tired to care. Review on Snow Patrol and fun in the city tomorrow. ( drop a heart )

[05 Sep 2006|10:50am] Why is everyone doing homework at this time of year? Its the second week of school, go to your dorm and sleep past 11. I dont understand why there are so many people in the library. Like, seriously. I am so miserable. Here comes another one. And another. And two more. Joe's going to love this, but I miss Joe. Like, at least he'd come out here and listen to me complain when we worked together and tell me I'm just being stupid. I KNOW I'm just being stupid, but that's not the point. I guess I'm just having a bad day, considering I walked in the rain and am no soaking wet, and the one thing I wanted to do while at work I can't because sometimes friends are more selfish then you can imagine. Like literally, I have no free time, so I keep to a schedule I plan for myself, and when you fuck with it because you don't feel like walking across campus, I get a little pissed. So, in two seconds I am sending my transfer application to Temple, doing a little research for two other schools and sending it those as well. West Chester, I love you, but I think we've out-grown each other. It's just the slow fade of love, y'know? Pluuuus, I don't know. I've just got this really empty feeling lately. Maybe its because I'm missing the deep connections I live for, maybe its just the fact that I have no real connections at all because I work all the time. Everything is surface level these days. I don't know. I'm kind of sad, and I'm sure this is largely because its "that time of the month" as we like to put it, and I always feel down right before hand. Some people get bitchy, AK gets Emo. Lucky me. In a few days, I'll be okay again, it really is just PMS combined with lack of sleep. Rawr. ( drop a heart )

i had this sadness, creeping like vines over me [03 Sep 2006|01:24pm] [ music | the elected - would you come with me? ] So, its been a little bit since I wrote. But with classes starting and everything, life has gotten to be even more stressful and busy, and the little bit of free time I can find, I spend it working on homework, forensics or seeing my few friends who are around. Its crazy, but life keeps taking a backseat to being responsible, and growing up. But things are changing, and it feels less like college and more like school. I have so many other responsibilities on top of school, that its not what it was freshman and sophomore year. I don't see the little bit of friends I do have here much, for I usually spend my extra hours working somewhere. Or working on homework, or forensics. And by the time I do get a break, I am too tired to do much else other than sleep. But hopefully this will change shortly. If business keeps up the way it does at work and I get the loans I asked for, I can cut my schedule down by at least one day. But I dont know, I like working; it keeps me on top of things. I guess that's it really. I've been hit on a few times at work now, not to mention at school. I've always known that the whole loving yourself and being forward thing worked, I just forgot how well. Its a shame I get quiet and reserved when I do really like someone. But who knows? I feel much more confident and grown up then I ever have, so maybe when I meet the next guy who I fall head over heels for I won't be so shy. Um. Still haven't sent out any application for transfer. I need an unbias opinion to help me decide, cause I'm quite addicted to forensics and I'm having a hard time giving that up. Anyway, thats the news for now. Hope life is good elsewhere. Wish you were here. (That you encompasses so many people) Amiekay ( drop a heart )

marching bands of manhatten [25 Aug 2006|07:50pm] [ music | dcfc - marching bands of manhatten ] I am so burnt out. When do those of us who have to work hard for everything in life get a break? Everytime I feel like I'm myself again, that I am the strong person I know I was prior to the summer of freshman year, something stupid happens. Granted, a lot of this has to do with the lack of sleep I am experiencing, which, obviously makes me more emotional. But everytime I think I'm going to nap or rest, I realize I don't have the time, because I have ninety other things to do. And this apartment reminds me too much of home lately. I mean, its as if all most of my close friends (minus a handful) are in random towns and cities in Pennsylvania and I am in York. However, it is that I am in West Chester, and all of my friends went home. Home being numerous places around the globe. i wish we could open our eyes to see in all directions at the same time oh what a beautiful view if you were never aware of what was around you And you know, today this new independence made me feel like myself again. Because, contrary to recent events, I have always been somewhat of a loner; and empowered loner, but definately a loner. So I've been going over events in my head these past few days, and a lot of who I've become can be traced back to the window-jumping incident last summer. I said, "But I'm not nearly as empowered as I come across," (or something to that effect) to a close friend this past week, and ever since I said that, I've been trying to put my finger on what exactly I meant by that sentence, if anything at all. Because, I've always seen myself as a pretty strong and independent person. And then I realized that I never had a problem with that until last summer. I stopped trusting myself after that. I became more shy, more reserved and my outgoing and forwardness was lost. But I feel as if I 've regained (at least most of) that confidence over the past few months thanks to some old and new friends. But just now, am I beginning to see myself clearly again. As I say jokingly, "I ride the slow bus to self-realization." Maybe its because of my upbringing, but whatever the reason, I definately learn life lessons at a slower pace than my peers. Book-Learnin' though? I pick that up quick. and it is true what you say that i live live a hermit in my own head but when the sunshines again i'll pull the curtains and the blinds to let the light in I am not miserable here. However, I know there is places this version of me would feel more at peace. Here, I feel as if I'm always at war with who I am, and who I've been for the past year. Andd I just want a chance to achieve everything I know I can. I want to finally get something I desire with all my heart, instead of settling. I want to be the motivated, pro-active person I am on the inside. And I feel the only way to do this is to go some place where almost no one knows me, some place where there is no pre conceived notions of who I'm supposed to be. Because, damn it. This is who I am. sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound but while you debate half empty and half full your love is gonna drown... ( drop a heart )

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